The Way Of All Flesheaters

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What we’ve got here is the first zombie movie directed by a zombie…no, not The Brown Bunny…I’m talking about Flesh Eater…20 years after the original Night Of  The Living Dead, actor Bill Hinzman resurrected his cemetery zombie character and sent him on another romp-and-chomp, this time targeting a group of party-hearty college students (can’t be an 80’s horror flick without ’em). Flesh Eater doesn’t have the tension or visceral impact of NOTLD but some of the gore gags are downright surreal and it’s fun to see ol’ Bill onscreen again…

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What’s Wrong With This Picture?

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Well, it’s set on an Island alright, and people are massacred…but where are the zombies? Not a single brain-craving gutmuncher in sight…no real ones, anyway. How many times do I have to say it? If you’re gonna put “zombie” in the title, you’ve gotta have some goddamn zombies in the movie. Granted, exploitation pictures are built on false advertising and a Barnum, carny, caveat emptor philosophy, but still…Stand and deliver, you bastards!

 

Fish Or Cut Bait

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All you MiSties out there may know that this picture was directed by MST3K producer Jim Mallon. It’s the tale of a lunatic fisherman who catches obnoxious campers down at the lake with a man-sized rod and reel. You’re kept guessing for awhile…many of the townsfolk are bizarre enough to be the killer…or at least an extra in a David Lynch movie. The humor is also very eccentric…oh, and since it was shot in Wisconsin, some of the actors have Fargo accents…

 

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He Used To Cut The Grass

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I was expecting Blades to be Jaws meets Caddyshack…While it isn’t that exactly, it’s not without humor (well, except for the female lead. She makes Queen Victoria look like Lucille Ball.) but the humor is drier and subtler than the usual wacky, thick as a brick gross-out jokes that are Troma’s stock in trade. Alot of the films Troma picks up from other people are intriguing and offbeat. Roy Kent is a former golf pro who now runs a golf course, and is faced with the mysterious, grisly deaths of random golfers who look like they’ve been through a cuisinart. After he checks out a few suspects, he finds that the golf course’s big, badass lawnmower has not only been driving itself, but has developed a taste for golfers…so the picture is spoofing not only Jaws but Christine and The Car as well. It’s not as funny as Piranha…but it’s almost as scary as Caddyshack II

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All Around The World The Same Song

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Although I’ll always think of Sylvia Kristel as the “real Emmanuelle”, exotic goddess Laura Gemser was the most prolific of all the ladies who played the role and actually most closely resembled the real-life Emmanuelle Arsan. Gemser’s films were a staple of late night cable during my adolescence and provided many an illicit thrill. In this one, she heads to India to investigate a Kama Sutra cult and its phony baloney guru . The entries in the franchise  directed by joltin’ Joe D’Amato often included graphic violence, cannibalism, hardcore inserts, and jaw-dropping kink…a far cry from the classy softcore eroticism of other Emmanuelle films…but they’re just as beautifully shot…the locations look like somewhere you’d actually like to visit…and Laura Gemser looks especially delectable…

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Cat Scratch Fervor

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One has to wonder about the effect of cinema on the impressionable young male psyche when so many films seem to be saying “if a beautiful woman flirts with you, she probably wants to kill you, drink your blood, eat you or zombify you.” A case in point: Teenage Catgirls In Heat…An ancient Egyptian cat idol turns ordinary fluffy house kitties into nubile human women who mate and kill. They also chase mice, play with yarn and speak in catlike voices. The male heroes wander aimlessly for eons, get drunk and argue before they locate the lethal felines…who all live in the same crazy old cat lady’s house. There are some funny moments and running gags, but it’s a little too wacky to be fully appreciated while stone cold sober…

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Iced

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Also released as Fists Of Fury, this is not Bruce Lee’s first movie (that’s 1941’s Golden Gate Girl, when he was still an infant) but it’s his first Kung Fu movie. He plays a country boy named Cheng Chao, who gets a job in an ice factory with his cousin Hsu Chien. What they don’t know is, the factory is smuggling dope in the ice blocks. Hsu confronts the Big Boss..big rookie mistake, since B.B. is seriously mobbed up. Cheng has promised his mother never to use his Kung Fu skills for violence again…but when Hsu goes missing, Cheng must break his vow in the name of justice…and survival. Lee is not yet a total superhero in this one, after all, he’s playing an average guy who just happens to know Kung Fu, and is thrown into a hellacious situation. Still, that Lee cool comes out in a scene where he fights half a dozen thugs…while eating potato chips…

 

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