In Scarlet Bliss



Mary and Madeleine Collinson (Playboy’s first identical twin playmates) are the titular twins…one virtuous, the other rebellious, the latter soon to become a vampire thanks to Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas). Peter Cushing is Uncle Gustav, the obligatory God-bothering, witch-and-vampire-hunting “hero”. Twins Of Evil is part of Hammer Studios’ Karnstein Trilogy (following The Vampire Lovers and Lust For A Vampire) inspired by Sheridan Le Fanu’s sapphic vampire penny dreadful Carmilla. Mircalla, the character who appears in all three films, is this time played by Katya Wyeth, who made memorable appearances in A Clockwork Orange and on Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Twins Of Evil is delightfully subversive…I mean, who could root for Gustav? And Hammer really amped up the eroticism on this one. This film is a must-see for all you girls out there who are tired of being good…



I Danced On A Sunday



A black-cloaked vampire is roaming the English countryside, putting the bite on nubile lasses and draining them of their youth. Enter Captain Kronos (Horst Janson) and Professor Grost (John Gater) two expert vampire hunters determined to return the undead fiend to eternal rest, with a little help from a sword made from a church cross…and a little TLC from gypsy Carla (the gorgeous Caroline Munro). Captain Kronos has a refreshingly unique take on the vampire mythos and is quite a bit of fun. I’ve loved Hammer horror films since I was a kid and this has always been one of my favorites…



I Can’t Swim A Single Note



Down in ol’ Lousiana there’s a killer on the loose and the only one who can stop him is…Micky Dolenz! Despite the snappy title, nobody gets choked in this flick…instead it’s the old murders-that-look-like-accidents shtick. The film is not just a murder mystery but also a pretty hysterical melodrama and Dolenz is very entertaining in the lead role…



Tangled Up In Grue



A mad scientist has found a way to transfer his soul into corpses. Why? You’ve got me. Maybe he just likes to go zombying around freaking people out. Nothing really makes sense in this flick but it’s got a creepy vibe and plenty of blood and guts for all you gorehounds out there…



Back In Black



I always try to watch movies with zero expectations but the title of this one alone had me psyched. And it’s a fun, tongue-in-cheek cheapie shot on Super 8 film, combining Kung Fu action and gory horror. Martial artist Jack Chase is murdered by ruthless Kung Fu cultist Spithrachne. Jack’s best friend uses Voodoo to resurrect him as a green-skinned, ass-kicking zombie that dresses like a member of Judas Priest. The zombie makeup is pretty cool, the Kung Fu choreography solid and the intentional humor works. I found myself laughing out loud a few times. Ninja Zombie is a good example of what filmmakers can accomplish with a couple of bucks and a lot of ingenuity…



Too Much Junkie Business



Daisy (Jeremy Slate) Dum Dum (Willie Pastrano) and Acid (John Davis Chandler) are three enterprising dopers out to make that big score. Trouble is, they’ve got far more ambition than sense. They end up wasting their Cuban connection and it all spirals out of control from there, leading to mucho gunplay. The most memorable scene is the one where Acid shoots up during a shootout. What I can’t figure out is why he’s nicknamed Acid when he’s a heroin addict…but what’s life without a little mystery?



Real Boss Hoss



America’s favorite teen idol Arch Hall, Jr. stars as Cruiser, leader of a pack of car-stripping J.D’s who are so quick and slick that they’ve got the Fuzz all discombobulated. With its irreverent, anti-authoritarian attitude and intricate hip slanguage, The Choppers is perhaps the best of the many films Hall Jr. and Sr. made together, featuring some of Arch Jr.’s most eccentric tunes (Konga Joe, Monkey In My Hatband) and early Playboy playmate Marianne Gaba providing some platinum distraction. You’ll have a ball, a real ball



Gimme Danger Little Stranger



Cheri Caffaro of the Ginger trilogy is slinky hitwoman Samantha Fox (not to be confused with the 80’s pop singer or the 70’s pornstar) who’s offing mobsters in the Philippines in twistedly clever ways and looking fucking fabulous while doing it. Can the cop investigating the murders resist her diabolical charms? Can you? As you may remember, I wasn’t too impressed with the first Ginger flick, but the trilogy quickly grew on me, and so did Cheri. She just has this ineffable charisma. I’ve gotta say that this is my fave of her flicks that I’ve seen so far…



Lit To Pop



What began as a caucasian remake of blaxploitation classic TNT Jackson evolved into a movie that not only stands on its own…but kicks ass and takes names. Jillian Kesner is Susie Carter, a Martial Arts sensei searching the Philippines for her missing sister, facing danger at every turn. Darby Hinton, who played the affable private eye Cody Abeline in Malibu Express gets to play the villain this time, as Chuck the dope-dealing pimp who also happens to be a Martial Arts expert. The rest of the movie is a game of cat-and-mouse, seduction and destruction…and the final battle between Susie and Chuck in a Martial Arts arena is epic. Jillian Kesner is so good in this flick that I’m really surprised that she didn’t become a major action star…



No One’s Little Girl



Statuesque Lana Clarkson (Deathstalker, Fast Times At Ridgemont High) stars as Amathea, whose village is slaughtered and her husband-to-be kidnapped on her wedding day. She sets out on a mission of rescue and revenge with her best friend Estrild (future director Katt Shea). I thoroughly enjoyed this film, due in no small part to Lana’s performance. She belongs in the Pantheon of ass-kicking females. And man, she was a stunning beauty. If only she hadn’t met Phil Spector…